relatives Archives — The Rational Heathen

The Draw of Family in the Heathen Context

January 14, 2018 Tyra Ulfdottir Comments 0 Comment

My sister called me and told me that an unknown relative contacted her. Apparently the grandson of my deceased uncle was doing research into my mom’s side of the family and somehow tracked us down to find out what we knew.

Well, blood is apparently thicker than water. And much to my chagrin, I am not adopted. “Why?” you may ask. Because the grandson, whom I’ll call Thor for privacy sake, is just like me.

Poor kid. And he reproduced.

[Facepalm]

How it Happened

Thor received the call of the ancestors when his own kid started asking questions about his relatives. Seems Thor really didn’t have much to go on originally, having never been in touch with my mom’s relatives. I wasn’t particularly interested in staying in contact with my mom’s side since I had so little in common with them. My relatives always dismissed me as a loner and a weird intellectual with nothing in common with them. They were mainly into shopping and impressing people. I couldn’t give a damn about what people thought of me unless it got me beat up. (Yeah, I had a few scuffles when I was a kid.) So, when my sister told me that Thor was doing research and needed some info, I chatted with him over the Internet.

Shit. He did a similar career route as I did. He likes the same stuff I do. He even has the same sleep habits. He is a smart ass too. Thor confirmed some things my dad told me before he died (and I confirmed Thor’s research). I was able to tell him some stories, which probably thrilled him.

The Pull of the Ancestors

I’m always amazed when the Ancestors step into people’s lives. I figured mine wanted as much to do with me as I did with them. Many were rather unsavory characters whom most people wouldn’t be excited to boast about. My medieval ancestors were Vikings and Normans (troublemakers) who went as high as dukes on one side and knights on the other. Their descendants were sadly nowhere near as glamorous by the time the 19th century rolled around. So, I pretty much decided that I had little to do with them. Even when Tyr called me into Heathenry, I was generic in my veneration of ancestors with the secret hope that maybe I got switched at birth. No such luck. Thor proves I’m out of the same fucking lines.

So, I’m feeling the pull of the ancestors as well. I’ll be going through all the old notes my parents passed onto me and see if it puts together the pieces for Thor. Maybe Thor will be able to tell his child where he came from and what kind of people were his relatives — the good and the bad stories — ugly warts and all. And maybe the kid will be interested in those of us who are still around.

Where Did I Come From?

It seems that we all have a need to understand where we come from, whether from royalty or paupers, criminals or heroes, sinners or saints. It helps us understand who we are and what influenced us genetically. It used to be that we believed it was DNA and how we grew up determined our behavior and traits, but epigenetic inheritance has kind of thrown a monkey wrench into it. We know that certain stresses on people can cause epigenetic marks on RNA. By learning about our ancestors’ past, we can understand how their experiences might impact us. Of course, this is a relatively new field with new studies all the time.

So, if our ancestors’ experience modified our genes, we’re not only a product of their genes but also their experiences. It helps us understand ourselves much better. While not all experiences are going to leave an impact on our genes, certain some do. In which case, we’re not just a product of millions of years of combining DNA but also millions of years of hominid experiences. It may explain weird things like phobias or body types.

We Are All Stories in the End

It’s interesting, because even though many of my relatives are now dead, their stories seem to fascinate the younger relatives. As The Doctor said, “We are all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?” As humans, we need to tell stories and to understand where we came from. Part of the draw to our ancestors is by asking “where did I come from?” we’re trying to answer the question: “who am I?”

Long after my ashes are scattered, the younger generations will ask “who am I?” and “where did I come from?” The only thing left on this planet will be stories, if they’re left at all. Hopefully, I’ll be making it a good one.

How to Celebrate Thanksgiving with Christian Relatives

November 16, 2017 Tyra Ulfdottir Comments 0 Comment

It’s that time of year again. It’s the time when we have to see our families, many of whom are of a Christian faith, and celebrate the holidays together. If your family get togethers are something you dread, I have some recommendations for keeping true to being a Heathen while celebrating Thanksgiving.

Consider Your Support System

Oddly enough, how you handle Thanksgiving depends a lot on your family’s religious views. If you’re the only Heathen and 20 relatives are Christian, you’re going to have a harder time than someone whose family is mostly Heathen, or their family is a mix of Christians, agnostics, Jews, Wiccans, and atheists. You’re more likely to have more acceptance and more support with the latter two, since your family is at least used to the concepts of having relatives of different faiths. This of course doesn’t account for those warring families who do not get along. If you have one of those, I’d sincerely suggest you skip the holidays and celebrate it with like-minded friends or go out to eat. Honestly, you don’t need that kind of stress in your life.

If You’re Having Thanksgiving at Your House

Having Thanksgiving at your house can be simple enough when it comes to celebrating it. Consider it a harvest festival and look on it as a way to celebrate the end of hunting season, the end of harvest, and the beginning of the Yule month. Look at the images we use for Thanksgiving: turkey, cornucopia, pumpkins, gourds, fall leaves, and colorful Indian corn. Yes, we also use pilgrims and Native Americans as images as well, but if you want to avoid the Christian connotations, you can emphasize the friendship aspect. If it hadn’t been for the Native Americans, it’s unlikely the pilgrims would have survived.

Because you’re inviting your relatives to your home, you have quite a bit of power when it comes to ground rules and behaviors. Which means if they want to enjoy Thanksgiving with you, you can insist that there is no talk about religion and no arguments. (And stick to this rule. Yes, you may have to tell them to leave if they misbehave).

Here are some ideas for compromise:

Decorate your home with harvest images and nonreligious Thanksgiving images.
Make traditional recipes, plus recipes from Viking era feasts.
Serve mead.
When it comes time to say a prayer, ask that each of your guests silently pray.
End the prayer session by saying, “We give thanks for this food and for each other. Let us remember those who are no longer with us, and let us be thankful for the time we had with them. I propose a toast to <name deceased family members and friends>” (Yes, I know that many of us still consider our ancestors with us, but for the sake of euphemism, let’s leave it at “no longer with us.”
Focus on the positives with your Christian relatives. Compliment new clothes, a tasty dish they brought, or a new style. It’s hard to be negative toward someone who is complimenting you.
If someone brings us your Heathenry in a negative way, tell them gently that this is not the time to discuss it, and that you’ll be happy to talk to them about it later. If they insist, then remind them of the ground rules. If they persist, you may have to tell them to leave if they are rude.

If You’re Having Thanksgiving at a Relative’s House

Unless you have some open-minded Christian relatives, or relatives that are basically agnostic but identify as Christian, you could be walking into some pretty dangerous territory if you’re the only Heathen in a majority of Christians — and they know it. They also have a lot of power because you’ve come into their home. It’s different than them coming to your home, because you are being hospitable to them and they are there by your graces. As above,

Focus on the positives with your Christian relatives. Compliment new clothes, a tasty dish they brought, or a new style. It’s hard to be negative toward someone who is complimenting you.
If someone brings us your Heathenry in a negative way, tell them gently that this is not the time to discuss it, and that you’ll be happy to talk to them about it later.

If they don’t know you’re Heathen, keep a low profile and just go with the flow. You don’t have to say their prayers or talk religion, just keep the conversation at Thanksgiving and get profoundly interested on what is going on in their lives. You’ll find that people — even your relatives — like to talk about themselves, so ask some questions, sit back, and listen.

If your relatives know you’re Heathen and are open minded — awesome. You might even have an interesting discussion about faiths. But again, you’re there for each other company and not a debating match. Often if some other relatives who follow other faiths are there, it can be a very positive experience.

Observe Your Own Heathen Rituals

Before the guests arrive, or before you leave to attend a Thanksgiving dinner, take time to thank the gods, ancestors, and wights for their aid and support. Offer them a prayer you wrote and meditate on how fortunate you’ve been over the year. Even if you’ve had a difficult year, the fact that you’re alive and breathing may be enough to say thanks. Let the gods help clear your thoughts and help you do what is right. When the dinner has ended and you’re home and the guests (if any) are gone, offer a blot to the gods as a thanks. Mead or wine works well.

A Few Words About Dogmatic or Fundamentalist Families

If you have staunchly Christian family, or a family that is dogmatic when it comes to their faith, and you don’t have something more important to do (like make ice), you can go to Thanksgiving dinner with them, but I don’t recommend it. You can expect some sort of abuse if they’re the types who have taken exception to your choice in religion. No matter how hard you try to explain your side, they will not be enlightened enough to believe anything other than you are going to the Christian hell (or insert your relative’s religion’s version of fire and brimstone here). Unless there are ground rules in place, i.e., no talk of religion and no attempts at “intervention” or conversion, you will have a miserable time and feel like a prisoner trapped with a bunch of raving manics.

Okay, maybe that’s a little strong. But you get my point. I grew up in such a family where if you didn’t tow the line (whatever line that was), they used holidays to gang up on you and hammer away. I wasn’t the only one brow beaten, either. Oddly enough, it was not over religion, although my family has since been worried for “my eternal soul.” Hels bells, kids, you can have a peaceful dinner at a restaurant for a lot less than the psychiatric counseling you’ll probably need after undergoing one of those holidays. To this day, the memory of Easter where my family was mad at me for something (fuck if I can remember) and took it out on me and my husband, and then after we beat feet, took it out on my mother-in-law. I stopped going to Easter dinners because of that (sorry, mom, I’ve got to wash my hair).

I know I’ve probably given you no hope when it comes to families, religion, and being a Heathen. But I want to point out that having really negative experiences over holidays make the holidays even more stressful than they should be. Maybe you’ve had better luck with your family than I have, but if you do have a family that is insistent on you converting to their religion, it’s an uphill battle to get them to accept you.

My Thanksgiving will be mostly not stressful because other than my husband, my relatives think I’m agnostic or atheist. Which is fine by me. The gods know where I stand, and that’s fine by me.

You can have a fairly stress-free holiday, and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

Honoring Ancestors: Do I Really Have to Worship Aunt Mabel?

January 31, 2017 Tyra Ulfdottir Comments 0 Comment

One of the things I like about Heathenry is the concept of honoring our ancestors, or as anthropologists would term, “ancestor worship.” But, honestly, if some of my relatives were a pain in the ass when they were alive, why would I want to draw strength from them when they’re dead? If Aunt Mabel was a bitch, and a fundamentalist Christian who was sure I was going to go to the Christian hell, do I really want to show respect for her?

Well, the answer is yes and no.

First, to Set the Record Straight

I use the term “ancestor worship” loosely to describe the veneration of one’s ancestors. Merriam-Webster defines it as:

Definition of ancestor worship. : the custom of venerating deceased ancestors who are considered still a part of the family and whose spirits are believed to have the power to intervene in the affairs of the living.

Ancestor Worship | Definition of Ancestor Worship by Merriam-Webster

By the Merriam-Webster definition, Heathenry does indeed practice ancestor worship. However, Heathenry beliefs aren’t written in stone, and I’m pretty sure that there are indeed those Heathens who come close to, if not outright, worshiping their ancestors. Far be it from me to tell them to do otherwise. Then there are those who look at the ancestors with profound respect and honor them, but do not worship the ancestors as gods. Then, there are those, for whatever reason, abhor the idea of honoring ancestors, especially close family members. There are also those who do not know their ancestors, due to adoption or other circumstances. All these people have their own valid reasons for what they do.

Now, if I offend you with the term “ancestor worship,” get over it. It’s just terminology that encapsulates the belief of ancestor veneration. Don’t get hung up on it.

Ancestors: Like us, but Not

One of the foundations of Heathenry is respect for our ancestors. After all, they are a part of us, and we would not be here in our current form had we not had those particular ancestors. We have ties to them as kin that we do not have with other people. And we recognize that even if our family members weren’t the best, we still have thousands of generations of ancestors to call upon.

None of our ancestors were perfect; they all had their faults, just like we do. Some were criminals, some were saint-like, some were warriors, and some were just ordinary common folk. The Black Death did a lot to reduce the gene pool in Europe and Asia, so most of us can trace our lineage to nobility in some way, even if we have mostly commoners and slaves in our lineage.

So, when we honor our ancestors, we don’t necessarily honor Aunt Mabel (who isn’t your direct ancestor anyway, but who is closely related to you.) If she was that big of a bitch, you probably don’t want to hear from her anyway, so you can skip honoring her but still offer respect for the line.

It’s DNA and then some

Did you inherit your artist talent from a long-lost relative?

Our ancestors gave us more than their DNA. They gave us their experiences, for good or for ill. One study showed that the brains of mice that experienced electric shocks and the smell of cherry blossoms changed and they showed fear of the cherry blossom odor. Fair enough. Their offspring and grand-offspring showed the same fear of the cherry blossom odor even though they received no shocks. Furthermore, their brains had the same changes that the original mice did.

Granted, it is one study, but there are other scientists who have determined that the methyl group (a type of organic molecule) attaches itself to certain genes, thus expressing that gene’s behavior. Call epigenetics, these attachments and detachments were thought to only occur while in the uterus. We now know that they can attach and detach while we’re adults too, and can pass along the same genetic expressions. So, bad experiences can certain affect not only your life, but lives of your descendants. Likewise, you’re affected by the experiences your ancestors had.

So, what Does this Have to Do with Ancestor Worship?

So, you may be wondering that this has to do with honoring your ancestors. Oddly enough, quite a bit. You see, whether you are adopted or whether you know your line back to the Viking Age, you are the sum of your ancestor’s genes and their experiences. Those experiences have been written and expressed in your genes. Your reactions — and resiliency — comes from those people, like it or not. You can modify your epigenetics in what you do want expressed by your behavior and your own experiences, but you carry the good parts and the baggage from those who came before you.

You can thank — or curse — them for what you are, but be aware that you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.

What if I’ve been Adopted (or Don’t Know My Lineage)?

If you’ve been adopted, or perhaps you don’t know your ancestors, you can still call on them for strength. You may not know them, but they may know you and may be pleased that you remember them in some way. You can also accept your adopted family as your own. Your family has left their marks on your genes in the form of epigenetics that will continue into your children and grandchildren, should you have kids. You may find ancestors along your parents’ side whom you relate to, even if you have no blood ties with them. You might just find an ancestor who will answer back.

What if my Family Sucks?

I’ve stated that I was switched at birth only half-jokingly to my parents (when they were alive) and my siblings. They all seemed to take a dim view of that, but it shows you how different you can be from your family even if you share the same genetics. That being said, I’ve known people whose parents and grandparents were abusive to them and others, who in themselves are good people. Those people have no reason to honor or offer any consideration when it comes to honoring the people who abused them. But the good news is that your ancestors are not just your parents, grandparents, or Aunt Mabel. Your ancestors go back hundreds of thousands of years. Not all of them were evil bastards.

Doing genealogical research can help you identify your past relatives. You may be able to find a few who are worthy of your attention. Don’t discount a spouse’s relatives either. I’ve found relatives in my husband’s past that are worthy of my attention, as much as some of my own ancestors.

Does the Rational Heathen Practice Ancestor Worship?

All this talk about ancestor worship sort of plays against the skeptic in me. Hel, I’d probably still be an agnostic except for the experiences I’ve had with the gods. I’ve had some experience with my ancestors suggesting that they’re still around in some way. My thought is along the lines that it doesn’t hurt to remember those who have gone before us, and who may be helping us from time to time. I think it is a facet of Heathenry that we should all explore in our own ways.

And no, you don’t have to worship Aunt Mabel. Or anyone, for that matter.

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